What do we do when someone we love repeatedly behaves in ways that harm others?
It may be a lack of accountability, a lack of empathy, harshness towards family members, gossip, or a biased view of someone.
At first, we gently point it out. We hope they will reflect and change. But when the behaviour continues — and speaking up only leads to conflict — we often choose to keep the peace.
An Aesop’s fable about a thief and his mother offers a powerful reflection on the consequences of overlooking harmful behaviour.
The Thief
A young boy stole his teacher’s writing tablet and proudly brought it home to his mother. Instead of telling him that stealing was wrong, she laughed it off.
Later, he stole a piece of clothing. Again, she said nothing. After all, no one had seen him.
Over time, stealing became a habit. As the boy grew into a man, he stole things of greater and greater value until he was finally caught. He was tried in court and sentenced to death.
As he was being led away in chains, his mother cried out in despair, “My son, what has become of you?”
The man asked her to come closer. “I want to whisper something in your ear.”
When she leaned in, he suddenly bit off her ear.
The crowd was horrified. “What kind of cruel son would do such a thing?” they asked.
The man replied, “She deserves to be punished too. When I first stole small things and brought them home, she never corrected me. She laughed and said, ‘It will not be noticed.’ If she had stopped me then, I would not be standing here today.”
The Behaviours We Overlook
Most of us would never encourage a child to steal.
Yet there are many smaller behaviours that we quietly overlook in those we love.
- Aggression towards others.
- Lack of empathy.
- Pursuing self-interest without regard for others.
- Gossip, sarcasm, or malicious humour.
- Persistent prejudice or bias.
Why do we overlook them?
- Sometimes we want to avoid conflict.
- Sometimes we believe they will never change.
- Sometimes we excuse the behaviour because we know they are going through a difficult time.
- Sometimes we are simply exhausted by other problems and choose the easier path.
Yet every time we remain silent, we risk allowing the behaviour to become a habit.
Slowly, compassion turns into condoning. Those who excuse wrongdoing are not innocent bystanders. They can unintentionally help create the very outcome they later grieve.
Small Habits Become Big Habits
Sadguru Aniruddha Bapu gives an example that is close to everyday life.
Many parents hand a phone to a child so they will sit quietly and finish their meal. Years later, they worry that the child has become addicted to screens.
When he asks parents why they first gave the child a device, they often reply, “My child wouldn’t listen.”
He then asks, “If your child asked for poison, would you give it to them?”
The parents are shocked by the question.
His point is simple. We would never knowingly allow serious harm. Yet we often allow small harmful habits to take root because they make life easier in the moment.
Correcting with Compassion
Compassion does not mean overlooking harmful behaviour.
If a behaviour harms others, it is unlikely to truly benefit the person engaging in it either. Sooner or later, actions have consequences.
Our responsibility is not to force people to change. We cannot do that.
But we can continue to advise, guide, and gently correct, even if they disagree or react negatively.
The question is not whether they change. The question is whether we have done our part with honesty and compassion.
As Thich Nhat Hanh reminds us:
“When another person makes you suffer, it is because he suffers deeply within himself, and his suffering is spilling over.
He does not need punishment; he needs help. That’s the message he is sending.”
We can understand another person’s suffering without justifying the suffering they cause others.
Compassion and accountability can go hand in hand.
Reflection question
Have you seen someone correct harmful behaviour with compassion? What did they do?
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