Can you think of a time when someone’s behaviour disappointed you?
Perhaps you expected them to be considerate, grateful or supportive. When they weren’t, you felt hurt or angry.
Much of the pain in relationships comes from the expectations we carry. We assume others will think, behave or respond the way we would. When they don’t, we suffer.
The following thought experiment, shared by BK Sister Shivani, offers a different way of looking at this.
The visitor
Imagine that a close friend comes to your town.
You are naturally warm and hospitable. So you make very thoughtful arrangements to receive them. You arrange space in your home, make a variety of dishes for every meal and do everything you can to make them feel at home.
A month later, you visit them.
Instead of a warm welcome and elaborate meals, they simply make you a cup of tea.
How would you feel?
You may wonder, “How could they be so ungrateful?”
You might even question why you had been so thoughtful in the first place.
The next time they call to say they are visiting, what would you do?
Perhaps you would make an excuse and avoid meeting them.
A shift in perspective
Now imagine you discover something about your friend. They dislike cooking. In fact, they almost never enter the kitchen—not even to boil water. Yet because you came, they made you a cup of tea.
Suddenly the same cup of tea means something very different.
Nothing changed except your understanding of the person.
You no longer compare it with everything you did. Instead, you see it as an expression of their capacity. Perhaps they gave more than you first realised.
This simple shift in perspective offers several important insights.
Insight 1: Don’t lose your own qualities
Suppose, after feeling disappointed, you decide:
“Next time I won’t be so hospitable.”
Slowly, you begin to lose one of your own beautiful qualities.
We often hear similar advice from people around us:
“Don’t be so diligent.”
“Don’t be so honest.”
“Don’t be so straightforward.”
This comes from a common misconception—that we should behave according to how others behave with us.
Wisdom invites us to let our own values guide our actions, instead of allowing another person’s behaviour to decide who we become. Another person’s capacity should not determine our character.
To understand this better, consider another simple illustration.
The animals in the forest
There is a well-known illustration used in the field of education.
Imagine a group of animals brought together for an exam—a monkey, an elephant, a fish, a penguin, a bird and a dog.
The examiner points to a large tree and says,
“Your test is simple. Climb that tree.”
The monkey succeeds easily.
The bird flies to the top.
The penguin struggles.
The elephant cannot climb at all.
The fish cannot even begin.
The test is the same, but their capacities are different.
Insight 2: Different capacities
People are no different. We often expect others to do what we would do.
Our expectations reflect our standards, and our capacity – not necessarily theirs.
Someone may be generous with advice, but unable to offer practical help.
Someone may always be ready to help, yet struggle to express warmth.
Someone may care deeply, but not know how to communicate it.
When we forget this, we judge everyone by the same yardstick.
Insight 3: Expectation vs. Acceptance
We create a long list of expectations from others. Very often we expect them to do so, because we are like that.
When they don’t live up to those expectations, we feel let down.
The forest animals remind us that expecting everyone to respond in the same way is like expecting every animal to climb the same tree.
The more expect things from others, the less happy we are
The more we accept people as they are, the happier we are.
There is nothing wrong with communicating our expectations. Healthy relationships often require honest conversations. The difficulty begins when our happiness depends on whether another person lives up to them.
Insight 4: Expectations and guidance are different
Another question naturally comes up.
Does this mean we should simply accept people as they are? How will they ever learn?
As parents, teachers or leaders, we often need to guide others and explain what is expected. But guidance is different from making our happiness depend on whether someone behaves as we wish.
We can encourage. We can teach. We can inspire.
But we cannot force people to grow at our pace. Each person learns and changes according to their own understanding, readiness and capacity.
Reflection
What is one expectation you gradually learnt to release? How did letting go change your relationship—or your peace of mind?
Source
BK Sister Shivani. “Are expectations normal?”
Cartoon by Hans Traxler, Chancengleichheit, in Michael Klant.
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