Most of us recognize that holding on to anger affects not only our relationships, but also our own peace of mind.
Yet forgiveness is not easy—especially when someone keeps making the same mistake over and over again.
How many times should we forgive someone?
A parable from the Gospel of Matthew offers an interesting perspective on this question.
The Debtor
In ancient times, kings would lease land to agents for farming. These agents had permission to till the land and, in return, paid taxes, or a share of the harvest to the king.
One such king was settling accounts with his agents. During the reconciliation, it was discovered that one agent owed him sixty million denarii — a debt far beyond his ability to repay.
As was customary in those times, the king ordered that everything the man owned be sold to recover the money. The agent, his possessions, and even his family were to be sold into slavery.
The agent was devastated. Falling at the king’s feet, he pleaded for patience. He promised that he would do everything in his power to repay the debt.
Seeing his distress, the king was moved with compassion. Instead of granting more time, he did something extraordinary: he forgave the entire debt.
Outside the Court
As the agent left the court, he encountered a fellow agent who owed him a hundred denarii.
Immediately, he seized the man by the throat and demanded, “Pay me what you owe!”
Terrified, the fellow agent pleaded, “Please be patient with me, and I will repay you.”
But the man refused to listen. Instead, he had the debtor thrown into prison until the money could be recovered.
When others heard what had happened, they were deeply troubled. They went and reported the matter to the king.
The agent was summoned back to court.
“You wicked man,” the king thundered. “I forgave your enormous debt because you begged me for mercy. Shouldn’t you have shown the same mercy to your fellow agent?”
The king ordered that the man be imprisoned until he could repay his debt.
Forgiving Others
This parable appears in the Gospel of Matthew as an important lesson on forgiveness.
As human beings, we make countless mistakes. Yet we continually seek understanding, patience, and forgiveness — from others, and from the Divine.
Peter once asked Jesus:
“Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him?
As many as seven times?”
Jesus replied:
“I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven.”
He then narrated this parable, reminding Peter that unless we forgive others from the heart, we become like the unforgiving agent who was eager to receive mercy, but unwilling to show the same mercy to others.
Seeking Relief
There is another strand of wisdom that cautions us against placing the entire burden of our suffering on the actions of others. When we do so, anger and resentment often follow. Guru Nanak expresses a similar insight in Patti Likhi (The Poem of the Alphabet),
ददै दोसु न देऊ किसै दोसु करंमा आपणिआ ॥
Dadda: Do not blame anyone else; blame instead your own actions.
जो मै कीआ सो मै पाइआ दोसु न दीजै अवर जना ॥
Whatever I did, for that I have suffered; I do not blame anyone else.
The Dalai Lama expresses a similar insight:
If someone hurts you, remember also that in the past you may have similarly harmed other sentient beings, and as a result you are being harmed today. Since everything is dependent on your actions, why get angry with someone else?
Rather than spending our lives keeping score of others’ mistakes, he encourages us to cultivate good deeds and virtue. Responding to hurt with more hurt only deepens the cycle.
The Case for Compassion
The Dalai Lama offers several reflections that can help us cultivate compassion and forgiveness.
Seeing ourselves in others: Whenever we notice a fault in someone else, it can be helpful to remember that the same basic human tendencies exist within us too—anger, fear, selfishness, temptation, pride. At some point in our lives, these weaknesses may have appeared in a different form.
Responding with compassion: Everyone wants to be happy. Because of inattention and ignorance, we engage in negative activities. When we see such things happen, instead of feeling anger, we should generate compassion. If we are able to help someone overcome a harmful habit, we should. If not, perhaps the least we can do is forgive them and wish them well—that they may rise above their limitations.
Recognizing our shared nature: Since sentient beings are basically good by nature, and their bouts of anger and hatred are temporary, there is little point in becoming angry with them. If the sky is suddenly filled with smoke, there is no reason to get angry at the sky. So why blame other people and become angry with them?
Forgiveness does not mean approving of harmful actions or abandoning healthy boundaries. Rather, it means refusing to let another person’s shortcomings harden our own hearts.
Reflection
What helps you forgive someone? What makes forgiveness difficult for you?
Sources
- Gospel of Matthew, The Parable of the Unforgiving Servant
- The Dalai Lama, The Joy of Living and Dying in Peace
- Guru Granth Sahib, Patti Likhi
Image credits
- Depiction of the Parable of the Unmerciful Servant. Photograph of a stained-glass window at Scots’ Church, Melbourne.
- The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant by Domenico Fetti (The Yorck Project).
Conversations on Wisdom
Over time, reflections emerge through our blogs, workshops, and community gatherings. We gather a few of these voices here anonymously as part of our shared contemplation.
- Thank you for sharing such amazing stories. You won’t believe this, but your stories always seem to show up at just the right time. They help me think through situations, move forward, or find clarity when I’m stuck and looking for answers. 🙂
- Not forgiving is keeping the perpetrator and their actions rent-free in our head. When you forgive and release that emotion, you rise above it.
This is something I am trying to practise, and it is very hard. We get caught up in this transient world and in the ego, thinking that wealth, position, or power matter most. But the pendulum that swings in our favour must eventually swing the other way. The duality of this world is simply two sides of the same coin.
- The Bhagavad Gita teaches Ishwara Arpana Buddhi—surrendering everything to God—and Ishwara Prasada Buddhi—receiving whatever comes as His blessing, whether pleasant or painful.
Standing back and observing life (Sakshi Bhava), we may come to understand that others act from circumstances we do not fully know or understand. So I will continue to practise compassion and forgiveness—a quality of a bhakta.
Sama dukha sukha kshami
Balanced in pleasure and pain, and forgiving.
Hari Om Tat Sat 🙏
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